Monday, September 12, 2011

The Anniversary of the Worst Day of My Life

So Hurricane-fucking-Katia is right outside my window right now and tomorrow is Stephanie’s birthday … so I just figured BIRTHDAY/HURRICANE/WHATEVER-I’M-JUST-BORED-AND-WANT-TO-WRITE-SOMETHING BLOG.

So let’s go back in time, a simpler time when Stephanie was just a wee (<-- hey steph, that’s how they say “little” over here … WEIRD RIGHT) annoying sack of skin.

I will now give everyone a brief history of our childhood. When our maternal parent was pregnant with the little demon seed, I was like, “HEY BITCH YOU BETTER HAVE A GIRL ‘CAUSE I WANTS TO PLAY WITH THAT BITCH.” Just kidding, I didn’t talk like that when I was three … I wasn’t that sophisticated. And then nine months later, there she was — a little raisin in the sun. When I saw her I remember thinking “Now just how in the hell am I supposed to play with that?” To which my mom replied, “ASHLEY STOP SQUEEZING HER NECK.”

Upon taking her home, I told my parents I wanted to play with her every second of every day and I will always remember the words that came out of my mother’s wise mouth, “Yeah that’ll fade in about a week.” She was of course wrong. After I realized all she could do was drool and sit there like a meatloaf I was over it in about three hours.

And our relationship only blossomed from there. From our endless hours spent wrapping ourselves up in sleeping bags so we could play giant leech and giant slug, annihilating her at Mario Party, forcing her to act out my screenplays, beating her ass whenever possible/mom was out shopping, her beating my ass right back, watching The Nightmare Before Christmas 10 billion times, watching her put on a ballet tutu and moonboots every day for a year, dressing up like a witch while she dressed up like a ballerina for four consecutive Halloweens, to just being better than her at everything ever.

Yeah it’s been a pretty great twenty-year relationship — and this is the new chapter. Congratulations Stephanie, you’re a twenty-something now. Welcome to the worst ten years of your life. Seriously though you thought the last twenty were bad … SAY HELLO TO HELL.

Nah just kidding you’re going to do great.

Happy Birthday little one. I made you a video.

And a picture. You're welcome.



  1. I believe 'Unfortunate outfit choice' should be pointing to everyone in that picture. My dad had short shorts like that too. Ah, fashion 20 years ago.

  2. Looking forward to your picks for the Worst Movies Ever Blogfest on Monday!